Only (perhaps the hardest poem I will ever share publicly)

Only on the darkest day
Only in my deepest sigh
Only when you hear me scream
Only when I try to cry

Only in my lonely bed
Only deep within my heart
Only thru the choked back words
Only. …

Only at the break of day
Only when the fog sits low
Only in the forests belly
Only deep beneath the snow

Only lost amongst the clouds
Only carried on the wind
Only sifting thru the sand
Only…

Only never will you know
Just how much you owned my soul
Only never shall I tell
Just how much my life was hell

Only until the day you die
Will I hope you never know
How much you crushed my hopes and dreams
How much you stole, how much you stole.

Rebuttal to Only:

In my strength I let you go
Your evil I no longer wish to know
You hands on my neck
The choke hold gone
The fucking pain that lingers on.

The words of hate I endured,
The physical threats that occurred
The deception and lies that I told
To cover the bruises
New and old

I wish to lay to rest
This lingering…
Crap within my chest
To finally say good bye to you
That is this disgusting mental residue

So much of me was wrapped up in you
and I only wish you never knew…

If only…

August 11, 2011

Written because I have a regret of giving so much of my life to the excruciating lesson of sacrificing myself and my hopes and dreams to a man that beat me verbally and physically for over 15 years.  And because of my shame I did my best to hide that fact from all that knew us.

JAFA

Tags: broken dreams, building new dreams, depression, domestic violence, fear, letting go, lost youth, low self esteem, reclaiming my life, regret, shame, soul, wishing to change the past